Unspeakable
by 27dayz
Summary: It's no secret the survivors of the apocalypse have lost loved ones, yet many are still ignorant to the fact that people grieve in different ways. As he listens to the others reminisce on their loved ones, even those whose names are unspeakable, Rick comes to understand that he may have misjudged a friend. Spoilers for season 4 finale. Caryl.


**AN: So this popped into my head and just came out. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Walking Dead.**

**Unspeakable**

**Summary:** _It's no secret the survivors of the apocalypse have lost loved ones, yet many are still ignorant to the fact that people grieve in different ways. As he listens to the others reminisce on their loved ones, even those whose names are unspeakable, Rick comes to understand that he may have misjudged a friend._

"Dammit," Rick snarled, slamming the palms of his hands against one of the panels of metal that kept the group of twelve locked up in the train car. He had yet to deliver his lofty promise that the Terminus folks were messing with the wrong people. He hadn't anticipated that their captors would leave them inside the train car for without food or water for a day and a half in a stifling hot train car. Dehydration was taking its toll, especially on the eight that had already spent a day in the car. Glenn and Sasha fell fast, their bodies exhausted from their bout with the illness at the prison, the swift escape when it fell, the trek to Terminus, and their current horrible living positions. Bob had noted grimly that infection was setting in on his injured shoulder. Tara and Rosita slept more than not. To see men the size of Abraham and Eugene listing against the side of the car was a sobering sight and made Rick realize that they didn't have much time.

"Rick, you ought to sit down," Maggie advised wisely from her position on the floor. She was one of the ones that was faring quite well in the stifling conditions, being in good health prior to the internment. Rick made to object to here comment, but another voice beat him to it.

"Maggie's right, Man. Ya just wearin' yaself out," Daryl said from his spot on the floor. Rick sighed and relented, settling down between Daryl and Carl, who had most of his body flopped over Michonne. The entire car was quiet, save for the laboured breathing of Glenn, Sasha, Bob, and Eugene. It was a hopeless silence, one filled with thoughts of painful pasts and bleak futures.

"We're not licked yet," Bob mumbled, the whites of his eyes visible as he looked around the car, "We've still got hope. We still have others who are still out there. Tyreese. Carol. Beth."

"Beth's gone," Daryl reminded him, "Was taken."

"But we don't know by who," Bob insisted, "Whoever it was might've grabbed her up to save her from walkers."

"Maybe whoever it is has resources," Maggie added, clearly recognizing that this group needed something to grasp and hold onto. She was her father's daughter, after all. Despite everything, she still had faith.

"Mmhmm," Bob nodded in agreement, "and ya'll remember Ty, right?" he asked, looking to Daryl and Michonne, "We all thought he was a goner, but he hammered his way through that herd on the run."

"That's my brother," Sasha murmured with a smile, "He's like a bull ox when he wants to be."

"And Carol…man, I don't think I've ever met a woman quite like her," Bob said, pure admiration in his voice. At Carol's name, Rick sucked in a breath that was then expelled when he felt the redneck hunter beside him tense horribly. He looked over at Daryl and noticed that the man was barely breathing at the mention of the widow that Rick had expelled from the prison before the Governor's attack.

"There isn't a woman like Carol," Glenn agreed, clearly still unaware of what the woman had done to warrant her removal from the prison, "She's survived so much."

"Haven't we all?" Abraham asked gruffly. Glenn shrugged his shoulders.

"Not like Carol," the Korean said, "Her husband before the turn used to beat on her. When he died, it was the best thing for her. The worst was when her daughter, Sophia, died. She was only twelve when she was chased into the woods by two walkers and got lost. We all looked for her…tried to find her…"

"Glenn," Rick said shortly, a warning that perhaps the story of the tragedy was better left unspoken. Rick certainly had regrets where Sophia was concerned. From the way Daryl flinched at Sophia's name, the hunter also had his own share of regrets. Rick's warning went unheeded.

"We found her in a barn full of walkers," Glenn said sadly, "She had been bit and turned. I'll never forget that moment she stepped out…or the way Carol screamed out."

"Glenn," Rick warned again, when he became aware that Daryl was actually shaking at the memory.

"Hell, that would have broken most people," Glenn continued, after coughing for a moment, "None of us are really sure how she continued on after that, but she did. She came out of the shadows and learned how to fight and how to shoot, but she was always more concerned for others. When Hershel lost his leg and none of us were sure if he'd make it, Carol and I went outside. We grabbed a female walker so that Carol could practice performing a c-section in case she had to deliver Lori's baby."

Rick's mouth opened and closed like a fish. He had no idea that Carol had shown such dedication in preparing for his daughter's birth.

"Then after that, she fought off dozens of walkers and spent two days inside a solitary confinement cell hiding out until Daryl found her."

At this, Daryl's fists clenched and unclenched.

"She survived the Governor's attack by hiding behind the body of her friend while the Governor shot up his body," Maggie revealed, her face troubled as she recalled events of the past.

"She taught the kids at the prison how to fight," Carl revealed, lifting his head from Michonne's lap, "She was on the council. She could do everything."

"I didn't see her escape the prison, but I know she survived the Governor's attack," Glenn said matter-of-factly, "She's a survivor. She's the last woman out of all of the original quarry survivors. She has like nine lives or-"

"Stop!" Daryl rasped, his breathing ragged as he struggled to keep himself in check. Glenn nodded knowingly and sadly.

"She sounds like quite a woman," Rosita agreed with Glenn's assessment, "Strong. Smart."

"She yours, Friend?" Eugene asked, glancing down at Daryl, who had his jaw clenched tightly shut as he willed his emotions to stay in check.

"Yeah, she's Daryl's," Glenn confirmed when the tracker didn't, much to the surprise of Rick. Daryl and Carol had always been close and no one was really sure of the nature of their relationship. Rick had just assumed that they were simply friends, but was there really something more there that he hadn't seen?

"You don't say her name," Eugene observed. Rick started at the familiar words and his eyes cut to Daryl.

"And you don't know nothin' 'bout nothin'," Daryl snapped, leaping to his feet and looming on in an intimidating manner.

"Easy now," Abraham mediated, getting to his feet as well, "He didn't mean nothin' by it. He forgets that we've all lost people. We all don't grieve in the same way. For some of us…well…it's just easier not to mention the ones we lost."

Daryl considered these words and seemed to be satisfied by them for he backed away, retreating to the very back of the train car.

"Abraham's right," Sasha said in agreement, "For me, it was better not to think of Tyreese. If I did, I always wondered where he was or if he was even alive. It distracts me…makes me ache all over."

"It's Daddy for me. Beth, too," Maggie whispered, reaching over and taking Sasha's hand.

"Judy," Carl whispered. Rick's heart clenched painfully in his chest at the thought of his daughter and that bloody car-seat. He had told Carl not to look back when they fled the prison and Rick himself had put all thoughts of Judith to the back of his mind, knowing that if he let it, the grief over his baby girl would consume him.

And then, unbidden, he wondered if Carol had felt that way in regards to Sophia. Did memories of her daughter paralyze her? Did they distract her, like memories of Tyreese did to Sasha? Did mention of Sophia by others send her into the same fit of emotion that Daryl was consumed by when Glenn was speaking about Carol and Sophia? Did saying Sophia's name remind Carol of the fact that she hadn't been able to protect her daughter in the same way that Judith's name reminded Rick that he had failed his youngest child?

Rick felt guilt swirl within him as he recalled what he had said to her on the day they had parted, how he had judged her to be cold because she couldn't speak of her dead child. He recalled telling her that no one would want her there if they knew what she had done. Had he been wrong? Daryl knew and he clearly didn't care that she had killed two people. He still cared about her, so much so that he was nearing a break down at the thought of her surviving in the world without him. Maggie knew, and even she had looked conflicted when Glenn was speaking about Carol. Glenn and Carl both worshipped the ground that Carol walked on. They would probably see her sacrifice of Karen and David to be noble. They would say that she had done it for them, to try to keep the illness from claiming them. Rick shook his head and closed his eyes, remembering the expression on her face when he told her that she could not return. He remembered her tears when she believed his words, that no one would want her. How could he have thought she was cold? He could he have thought that she would have harmed his children? It was clear that Carl loved her and the feeling was mutual. Carol had doted on him and Judy. Carol had dissected cadavers to make sure Judith arrived into the world safely. She had cared for the baby. She had cared for all of the prison children, enough to ensure that they did not share the same fate as her own child.

Rick swallowed hard. Had he made a mistake? Had he misjudged his long-time friend? It really wouldn't be the first time.

He looked over to Daryl, his brother, and he realized just how much he had hurt Daryl by banishing Carol. Daryl's pain was so great that he couldn't even hear Carol's name uttered by the others, let alone speak her name himself.

Rick exhaled and got to his feet. He approached the hunter and leaned beside him.

"I'm sorry, Brother. I understand…I…"

Daryl said nothing, choosing to look to the side, turning his head away from Rick.

Rick sighed, "When we get out of this…I'll help you find her."

Daryl looked at him, then, and Rick saw some of that emotion that Daryl was trying to reign in. It was very clear that Daryl loved Carol, whether he admitted it to her or not, and this distance and this new threat was clearly taking a toll on the normally stoic man.

"We'll find her, Brother. I promise," Rick vowed.

0

As it turned out, Rick and Daryl never found Carol.

She found them.

And with her, she brought several of those owners of those unspeakable names.

As the twelve occupants of the train car fled to safety, Carol, Tyreese, Beth, and several unknown people with guns covered their escape. Rick's eyes focused on Carol, or more specifically the carrier on her back. She had Judith with her, the baby calmly lounging as Carol directed the weakened prisoners of the train car towards safety.

Once the entire group had trekked towards the farmhouse that Carol and Tyreese had claimed, there was a flurry of activity as loved ones were embraced.

Glenn, Maggie, and Beth were on the ground in a many-armed hug.

Sasha latched onto her brother's neck and refused to let him go.

Rick took Judith from Carol as if the baby was made of glass. He kissed Judith's head and then passed her to her eager older brother. He reached for Carol, who tensed at his touch when his hand rested on her shoulder.

"I was wrong and I'm so sorry. Welcome home," he choked out, glancing over his shoulder to where Daryl loomed on the fringe of the group, almost as if he was at war with himself over whether or not Carol was really in front of him.

Rick moved to the side and nodded at Daryl, encouraging his brother to move forward to finally let the woman know the extent of his feelings for her. Then Rick stepped over to his children, watching over their heads as Daryl surged forward, crushing his woman to his body in a powerful embrace, clinging to her like his life depended on it.

In a way, it did. Without Carol, Daryl would always have a gaping chasm within him, the same kind that Rick had felt in his soul when he had thought that he had lost one of the two people he loved most in this world.

Rick smiled as Carol clung to Daryl just as tightly as he held her. Somehow, Rick doubted that Carol had spoken Daryl's name much during their separation. He ventured that Daryl's name had probably evoked the same searing pain that Sophia's name undoubtedly evoked in Carol.

It wasn't that they didn't care or love one another.

It was the very opposite.

**The End **

**AN: So Rick's "You don't speak her name" comment to Carol in Indifference really got on my nerves as it almost felt like he was silently judging her for not grieving Sophia the way he grieved for Lori. The two deaths aren't even comparable and Rick seemed to have forgotten that not everyone grieves the same. Of course, Caryl is a must for me and you just know that Glenn's a Caryl shipper. This was my explanation for why Daryl and Carol didn't talk about the other during the back eight.**

**Let me know what you think!**

**Hopefully this tides my readers over until I can churn out the next update for A Better Man.**


End file.
